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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – When we become a parent we often forget how important it is to keep nurturing and improving ourselves. We invest all of our time into our children and pretty soon we don’t recognize ourselves in the mirror. We forget to go for our annual check-ups to the doctor and dentist even though we plan appointments for everyone else in the family. Our hair looks dry and limp. We stop dressing nice and pretty soon our jogging clothes become our “uniform”.
This is common, so we tell ourselves its okay. Until one day your child comes home crying telling you that they “hate themselves”. You run to their defense and tell them all the reasons they don’t hate themselves. You ask your child why they feel this way and they go into a long litany of the same words and sentences they have heard you say to yourself. “My thighs are fat”, “I ‘m such a loser”, “My hair looks like a rat’s nest”, “I am too fat” or “I am too thin”. The list goes on and on. You thought you were being a good parent. You were putting y our children first and letting yourself go. But your child saw something else—he saw a parent who was no longer taking care of themselves, was angry, and verbalizing angst at themselves. The child began internalizing your “angst” and began to believe it. This child learned to have a low self esteem because you didn’t have a healthy self esteem. You quit respecting and loving yourself. You quit using positive self talk and instead began to criticize and judge yourself harshly. It is difficult to raise a child with a healthy self esteem if yours is low.
Children who have a healthy self esteem are more successful in school than children with a low self esteem. When you feel good about yourself and your abilities you will out-perform someone who thinks everything they do is wrong. Self esteem builds as the child is more successful. Self esteem is taught at home; parents model it and adjust their behaviors to help children acquire a healthy self esteem. What happens if you were not raised by parents who had a healthy self esteem? How can you teach your child to feel good about their abilities when you don’t feel good about yours? It isn’t easy, but IT IS POSSIBLE.
Tips for raising your child’s self esteem.
It is important to remember we all make mistakes. Demanding perfection from your children causes them to be anxious and depressed. They feel like they will never be good enough. Start a new rule in your home: it is more important to try to be good enough, than to try and feel badly about not being perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT
Pay attention to what you say to yourself around your children. I promise you that every negative thing you say about yourself your children will repeat about themselves. It is unsettling when you hear it and negative tapes are very difficult to erase. Always talk to yourself nicely when your children are around (talk nicely to yourself when they aren’t around too).
Treat your children and your spouse with respect. That doesn’t mean you give in to them, it means you don’t interrupt when they are talking and you listen to their story. Address them lovingly. No matter how old your child is, they need to be talked to respectfully.
Hug your child, and tell them how much you love them. Teens need as much if not more hugs then small children do. Affection tells your child you love them, and they are worthy of love.
Keep your promises to your child. Parents who are never on time or change plans constantly raise children who don’t trust. If you cannot trust others you cannot feel good about yourself. Children of parents who never keep their word feel worthless and abandoned. If you grew up in a home where no one followed through, change that for your child.
Give your child responsibility. Parents must give chores and follow through with consequences if they aren’t done. This teaches your child he is part of the family and his work is necessary to help the family better. Parents who don’t’ give their child chores raise kids who think they really don’t matter to the family. This leads to disengagement of the family.
Any interest your child expresses is an opportunity to raise their self esteem. Talk to them in regards to their interest. Listen to them. Buy them books in the area of interest, take them to the museum to look at other similar interests, or join a group with other people who share that interest. When you show interest in your child’s interest, you make your child feel valued and important. This encourages them to be more curious. Children with a healthy self esteem are more curious because they aren’t afraid to take a risk. They believe they will not fail and if they do they will be okay.
Raising healthy children is so important. Being a healthy mom and dad predicts your child’s ability to feel good about themselves. If you came from a family that wasn’t accepting or affectionate it can be difficult to teach your child love and acceptance. Never, Never ever give up though. Take one small step a day to insure your child’s success. –Mary Jo Rapini-
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is the Love/Relationship columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at Mary Jo Rapini
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
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