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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – I listen to couples all day. That’s my job. I hear secrets that are interpreted as shameful by the person who shares them and secrets that people simply don’t want their partner to know. Secrets in a marriage do not correlate with how functional or dysfunctional the marriage is unless those secrets are harmful to the other partner. Things like infidelity or pornography are two of the secrets that come to mind. We all keep secrets though. Women often tell their friend’s gossip to their husbands because they know telling a secret to your spouse can build intimacy. In fact most women have an unstated “code”. We know who talks. I am especially good at this because there is a very easy way to assess this. Listen. If you have a friend who talks about other people never trust that what you say will be kept in her confidence. Even if you tell her not to tell know that she will. Guys are better with keeping secrets. Why? Well mostly guys don’t talk and, if they do, they understand that what a woman or man may have told them in secret really isn’t very interesting to other guys (although it may be to other women…but many of them haven’t figured that out yet.
There are common secrets that women and men keep.
A woman’s list looks something like this:
1. We never tell the truth about how much money we spend. We may tell you the exact amount but we won’t admit it was spent on us.
2. We don’t talk about how “good” our other loves were. We are too busy telling you how good you are in that department (of course what we tell you may not be the truth…we understand this is a fragile area to most men).
3. We don’t tell you how much it means to us for you to be the “provider or protector”. Even if we are independent women, we still like the idea that we can fall back on you.
4. We tell our girlfriends how you are in the love making department. Even if we swear to you we won’t or don’t …we do.
5. We think about our boyfriends and husbands more sexually then we ever talk about. These thoughts vanish if we see the sink full of dishes or your clothes on the floor waiting to be picked up by us.
A man’s list of secrets looks like this:
1. He fantasizes about other females a lot (maybe your best friend). He will deny this if asked and if he feels shame or guilt with it he will get defensive because he feels attacked.
2. The money he makes does make him feel important. Money to men is as looks are to a woman. They understand a large part of their “worth” is placed on this value.
3. He derives self worth from being able to fix things for his wife or girlfriend. Be careful how you ask him though, he doesn’t like to be told to do something rather he derives more self worth when asked nicely.
4. He wants to have sex with you and he would almost always rather do that then talk to you.
5. He uses sports such as tennis, golf, and running as an escape. He needs to get away from you. It does not mean he doesn’t love you.
My best advice is that frankness and honesty are empowering. Most of the time couples who have secrets are concerned with hurting the other partner or the reaction they may receive from their partner. When you trust that your partner will listen then tell them and remember to be understanding. When you work toward making the relationship stronger secrets become less beneficial.
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazines. In 2010 Mary Jo will be a contributing expert for Redbook and Self Magazine “Love and Relationship” section. Mary Jo is a “City Bright” writer for the Houston Chronicle, and is a contributing columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships in her private practice. She is the Intimacy/Sex psychotherapist for the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007 in conjunction with the Methodist Weight Management Center since 2005.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including CBS up to the Minute, Montel, Fox National Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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