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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – When people are ready to get a divorce they know it. There is a voice deep inside of them that says it’s over. 99% of people prior to hearing that voice seek counsel from friends, family and pastors regarding how to save their marriage. They ask if they should give up now. If you are asking that question, there is a good chance it is not time to give up. Asking that question indicates there is still the opportunity to salvage the marriage. Family, friends and religious leaders usually guide you to take a step back, breathe and pray. They may offer their own story as a way of inspiring you or helping you feel less alone. If you are at the point of no return, then you have to think outside the box. You have to be brave and try a totally new direction.
Most people don’t end a marriage because of what their partner did. It’s what their partner didn’t do. They didn’t pay attention to them. They didn’t tell the truth. They didn’t share their money, personal history, or care enough. Affairs are hard on marriage, but it isn’t the infidelity that causes the divorce. It’s the lying, the cover up, and the fact that the spouse won’t walk away from the lover. Marriage takes constant communication and a commitment. Sometimes marriage has less to do with love and more to do with your promise. People get married, and although they say, “Til death do we part,” they really mean, “Until it gets too difficult to stay with you.” If we really heard these words, most of us wouldn’t take the walk to the altar. If you allow divorce to be in your vocabulary, then you have actually chosen the latter words.
If you and your spouse are at this point where you are contemplating divorce, then I think it is worthwhile to try this instead:
Step one is to begin listening to each other to identify what is wrong. Marriages that go on year after year without addressing that both people are unhappy will end in divorce. Take ownership of your part. Are you too angry? Do you say caustic things when you are upset? Does your spouse look hurt, and do they withdraw from you at these times? Do you use the kids or sex as a weapon? The first step is the hardest. Be honest. Your marriage depends on it.
Step two is very important. Agree to disagree, but you must agree on this. Divorce is not an option. If divorce isn’t an option then what options are available to you? Who do you trust most as a couple? Maybe it’s one of your parents, a pastor, or a counselor you both have heard about. Find someone you can confide in as a couple. Don’t tell all of your friends you are having problems. They don’t need to take sides, and you don’t need the distraction. You need to keep the communication among the two of you.
Step three is easy when you are feeling good about the marriage, but not so easy when you want to walk away. Each of you is to make a list of what is working well in the marriage. The list is paramount as it is going to help you build on the future. Write down everything positive, that includes anything your partner says to you that brings comfort, a smile, and a feeling of connection. Share this list with each other on your date night (if you don’t have a date night, make one on your schedule beginning now).
Step four involves the kids. Children are barometers for parents. Every child wants to come from a happy, healthy marriage. They want their parents to love one another. They know when their parents don’t. You may think you are keeping it from them and this will help them not feel the pain, but they know. Sit down with your kids and tell them as gently as you can that mommy and daddy are having trouble getting along. Tell them not to worry about it because you love their dad (or mom) and you are going to fix it. Tell them you are going to start having more times when you go out at night so you can work it out. The children will prefer this to you splitting up. They will notice if you begin holding hands and hugging more in front of them. Your kids will like this even if they say they are embarrassed. Your kids can be a support as you are working things out in the marriage. Their ability to love you through your weaknesses is incredible, and if you trust them you will witness what their love can do.
When you make your marriage “divorce proof” you are saying, “No matter what happens, [there are a few exceptions including abuse] we are going to work this marriage out.” You teach your children, friends, and family what being committed looks like. It doesn’t mean you will always be happy. It does mean that you will stand by your word and honor, and that you believe this relationship is worth standing up for. That’s what marriage is. It’s saying, “We,” instead of, “Me” (over and over and over and over again). -Mary Jo Rapini
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Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationships columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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