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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – I was grocery shopping the other day, and some guy walking by commented on my shoes. It is no secret, I love shoes. I have too many pairs, and if I see a pair in the window that sparks my eye, I stop. I am always surprised when men like shoes, and maybe even a little bit nervous. One of my first patients many years ago was a man who had a shoe fetish. He loved shoes…women’s shoes. When I say he loved shoes, I really mean that. He adored shoes more than the woman who wore them. He was a shoe bandit. He was a good looking guy who dated a lot, but never the same woman more than once. I talked to him about this, and he told me he would have dated the woman again, but he left the dates badly. His dates always ended with him stealing a woman’s shoe. He was a generous fellow, needing to take only one shoe. This most likely made the woman even more irate, as she was left with only one shoe. His taste was impeccable. He loved the highest quality shoe. One truth women know is that the shoe’s quality says little about the woman’s soul. Needless to say, he dated women who were not nice. He had had numerous altercations with the law department, which is how he was referred to me.
This man had a clothing fetish. The DSM –IV (R), which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, does give Fetishism a diagnosis, and these are the qualifications that suggest you have one.
1. Over the past 6 months recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the use of nonliving objects (female under garments.)
2. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
3. The fetish objects are not limited to articles of female clothing used in cross-dressing, or devices designed for the purpose of tactile genital stimulation (this means vibrators are not considered fetishes.)
As I began talking with this man, I asked him how long he had had an attachment to shoes. He told me he had collected shoes since the age of 22 years. He began liking heels because his mother wore them, and she had been killed suddenly in an accident when he was a young boy. He hung on to her through the shoes. He once brought in his collection to share with me. It was unbelievable. Every wonderful expensive shoe you could have ever imagined, but only one. The other shoe was no doubt with the owner still pressing charges against him. It was sad to me, as this guy was a decent person (although he did steal his date’s shoes), and due to his embarrassed feelings, or lack of trust he couldn’t talk to his dates about it and, therefore, he hid it and ran with their shoe.
Fetishes can involve any type of clothing. Men have fetishes more than women; men who like to wear women’s underwear or stockings are fairly common. They keep it secret to avoid the pain of discussing it with their partner. They are terrified their partner will reject them. Their fear is understandable if you take time to reflect how would you feel if your partner confided their fetish with you? Would you think they are crazy? Treatment for fetishes is a series of medications which help manage them. In addition to medications I listed a few ideas that may help both the person with the fetish as well as their partner:
1. When someone has a fetish they should tell their partner about the fetish, why they love the garment, what it symbolizes for them, and talk about ways they can feel close to the article without needing it.
2. Counseling helps. Many times cognitive behavioral therapy or desensitization therapy can help with managing the fetish. For example, with the above gentleman, he had developed trust issues and for him to have a normal relationship was difficult. Had he been with someone he loved, he may have been a wonderful companion for shoe shopping.
3. Keep your partner’s fetish to yourself. People feel embarrassed when others know about their fetish. Work as a couple to help resolve the issue.
We are all a manifestation of our past experiences, as well as our genetics. Things happen to us, and many times the way we soothe ourselves is not healthy. Rationally, you know a stranger in high heels or boots isn’t going to bring back your mother. But, sometimes just holding the garment or object may make you feel closer to her or someone else you lost. The first step to working through a fetish is to trust someone enough that you can confide in them what you are feeling. -Mary Jo Rapini
For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
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