Pick your poison, you have to drink it.
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – My dad was incredibly insightful. He wasn’t well educated, but he knew so much from experience. When I was dating, his favorite saying was, “You drink the poison you select.” I was 16 years old, and I thought he was out of it. He wasn’t. I am a psychotherapist now, and I can’t find a better way to tell people to be aware when they are dating. Know what you want and what you don’t. Men and women constantly tell me things they saw and noted with their dates, but married them anyway. They thought these things would change. These things don’t change, they intensify after marriage. What you marry, you live with. You drink the poison you pick.
If you marry someone with an addiction, it is never going to go away. They can learn to manage it or recover from it, but it will always be there like a demon begging them to come back. It’s tough to fight it, and they cannot fight it without your support. Telling your spouse to “get over it” is like telling you to keep a baby from coming out during labor; it is not going to happen. The baby is born, and your spouse, who is an addict, is addicted. It makes no difference in regards to the drug of choice—pot, food, sex, gambling, porn, the list goes on and on. It is a poison though, and if you marry into it, you are going to drink it.
If you marry for money, you have to drink that too. It may seem elaborate or seductive during dating, but you are marrying a very isolated, lonely lifestyle if you wanted a companion. Whoever has money is invested in keeping it. That investment takes a lot of time, and they may frequently choose work over you. That investment also makes the owner feel entitled to it. They begin to think they are better than others, more entitled to the good things in life, and more deserving. They may begin to believe you are the fortunate one; after all you did marry them and their money. Soon, you are invested in it also. You need a certain lifestyle, or you deserve a certain lifestyle—all because you are married to Mr. or Ms. Money. I also learned from my dad the bigger the rock, the bigger the problems. Once again…the guy was right.
Dating a charmer that all of your friends love? They are so sweet, attentive, and sensitive. But just wait until you drink that poison; that is a bitter one. You find out your charmer wasn’t only good at charming you, but that they also have an eye for people in need. They are great at focusing in and charming the person who needs them the most. All of that sensitivity and attentiveness that was once directed at you is easily aimed at another person. You are better off looking for someone who is honest and candid and maybe tells your friends the truth. Your friends may not like this person as much, but this person will be at your side long after your friends have forgotten your name.
Dating the best-looking person? Do you feel special because this person is so good-looking and athletic? Do all the women or men want to date your boyfriend or girlfriend? That is my least favorite poison. Most people who are really beautiful know it and use it. Society treats good-looking people better than average. When someone only focuses on how they look, other areas are neglected. Areas of empathy, compassion, and humility are the first ones neglected. This may create an attitude of arrogance, judging, and sometimes aggression. When we first meet someone, their looks have a lot to say, but when we get to know them, their looks change. Plain people may become beautiful, and beautiful people may become ugly. Before you say, “Yes,” to this person because you are so enamored with their looks, watch the way they treat someone not as beautiful. The way they treat others will sooner or later be projected on to you, and you will have to drink it.
When you get married, you do drink a certain amount of poison. No one is perfect, and a little poison won’t hurt you from time to time. A wise rule of thumb is to be aware of whatever this person portrays. Anything you notice while you are dating will be multiplied by a thousand when you are married. Choose your “poison” with great care. –Mary Jo Rapini
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