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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – The most painful and yet spiritual holiday I ever had was in 2001. My mother was dying; nothing I had learned in a text book or by counseling patients had ever prepared me to let her go. During this time of my life I was the head of the Psycho-Oncology unit at the Southwest Cancer Center in Lubbock, Texas. My patients had taught me how to live and die, but they were my patients. Somehow when it was my own mother, I reacted like her child and hung on, tying to convince her that she would get better. My mother knew she would not get better, and she didn’t want to. My father had died in March of that same year, and she was broken hearted. Nothing in life, not her nine children or her grandchildren, could replace my dad. In August, when I suggested she set a new goal, she said, “I do have a goal.” I replied, “Oh that’s great, mom. What is it?” She replied so seriously that it scared me, “My goal is to be off this planet by the New Year.” She made it; she died ten minutes to midnight Dec. 31st, 2001.
When a parent dies, their children lose a part of themselves too. No matter how old you are, you will have a sense that some part of you went with your parent. It may be the memories, the way your parent was your greatest fan, their smell, or their hug. Make no mistake; you will never live as you did prior to their death. This is what adds to our feelings of not wanting them to die. We understand the concept that we are losing this person forever. We are orphans in a sense, and we cannot imagine not being able to talk to them or hear their comforting advice. I miss my mother’s hugs more than anything. It felt like being in the middle of a pillow that smelled good and was warm with a gentleness that I cannot experience from anyone else. During my mother’s death, I talked to God every day. I felt his presence at times, as well as his withdrawal. I became angry at times with him; other times I was humbled by the situations he presented me. My mother loved Christmas carols, but close to the time of her death they irritated her. She began withdrawing, and seemed in another place at times. She was; she was listening to God. I regret we made it so difficult for her because all of us kids would stand around her bed and try to cheer her up. How much wiser we would have been if we would have sit around her bed and been quiet.
About 18 months after my mother died, I suffered a cerebral aneurysm. I had a near death experience, and you can read more by going to my web site. Prior to my aneurysm, I was a skeptic with what happens in the next life or even if there was one. I was limited in my own thinking. I listened and held patients as they were dying. They told me frequently that they saw angels or a loved one coming to greet them. My training as a nurse and then a psychotherapist assured me that there was a scientific explanation. I have my own explanation now, and it is one of experience. I hope some of these tips can help you help your loved one or parent leave this earth with fewer struggles than my mother and many of my patients.
Suggestions for supporting your parents as they leave this life.
1. Dying has many parallels with birthing. It happens in stages. Just as you wouldn’t tell a woman who is just beginning labor pains to push, you don’t hurry the process of dying for your parent. If you parent has just been diagnosed and the doctors are considering an aggressive treatment, it is important to help your parent understand the treatment and let them decide if they want it. Many people are terminal, but a treatment may prolong their life and add quality of life. Your parent may want the extra time to make amends or say good bye. Let them decide when they are finished with treatment.
2. If your parent is sick of being in the hospital and wants to go home to die, make this possible. Hospice and many other services will make daily checks to help you care for your parent. There is nothing more important than being with your mom or dad during this time on their terms.
3. Bringing the grandkids or small children may be helpful with boosting your loved one’s spirit, but the noise and confusion are stressful. Make sure you ask your mom and dad if they want to see the kids. Never force your children on a dying parent.
4. When people are dying or very ill they like quiet better than noise (most of the time). Dying takes a lot of energy and feeling their body is not working well can make your parent anxious.
5. Be very sensitive to touching your parent when they are dying. All of us respond to touch, but sometimes medicines or surgeries influence how we like to be touched. When people are dying, they are extremely sensitive to touch and sound, so make sure you are extra gentle.
6. When dying parents tell you they saw a relative that you know died sometime ago, don’t argue with them. Ask them what the relative said. In fact, no matter what your dying parent tells you they saw or had a vision of, believe them and be curious. You can tell the doctor also, as it may indicate a medication problem, metastasis or something more severe in their medical condition, but don’t tell your parent what they saw isn’t true.
7. Tell your parent how much you appreciate all they did for you. Tell them stories you remember where they were the hero. At the end of life, you are trying to make sure you did something worthwhile. If you raised a healthy, grateful child you did something right.
8. Take time when you are with your dying parent. Dying people see right through others. I was at my best as a psychotherapist when I was actively dying. Many of our senses are heightened when we are dying. Your parent will know if you cannot wait to get out of the room.
9. If your parent enjoys hearing your voice, read to them. Please don’t bring a book or newspaper. When you are sick and dying, you have little energy or desire to read about the world. Your earthly world becomes narrower as you are preparing to leave. Most parent’s like hearing readings in regards to the faith they practiced. If you don’t know, ask them what they want to hear. A favorite prayer may bring them comfort.
10. When a parent is dying, the one thing they find most heartbreaking is fighting amongst their children. No matter what issue comes up during this precious time let it go. Nothing is as important as handing your parent back to God with compassion. Compassion begins inside each of us.
I am sure when you talk to your parent they will have ideas of what they want for their limited time on earth. As much as you can, try to make that happen. My mother raised nine children, taught school, and was always around other people. She wanted to die alone. She waited until every last kid was gone from her room and took God’s hand. I hope this helps readers who are losing their mom or dad this time of year. You will have to take my word for it; they are going to a beautiful place. –Mary Jo Rapini
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