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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – January is National Divorce Prevention month. A new study from the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory of New York State University has shown that couples who spend two hours a week doing something new and exciting dramatically increase the quality of their marriage. The lead author on the study was Dr. Arthur Aron PH.D. A group of couples was given activities that were rated as highly exciting but only moderately pleasant. The other group was given activities that were rated as highly pleasant but only moderately exciting. After ten weeks, the couples who engaged in highly exciting activities showed a significant increase in their marital satisfaction. The couples who had highly pleasant activities showed no significant change. This study suggests that going out to dinner may not be as good for your marriage as rock climbing or learning to white water raft. The biggest challenge in most marriages is keeping things alive and passionate. Beginning something new and exciting with your partner makes you embrace your partner in a new way. You become a team and learn something new together, thus your partner is helping you grow and change for the better.
What’s the best way to build excitement into your marriage? I have a few suggestions below:
1. Begin just like the authors in the study did. Sit down and make a list of things you would like to do that you find exciting. Rate them from 1 to 10 (1 is not exciting and 10 is very exciting). Next to these activities, rate each one on its pleasantness. Then chose an activity that is around 4 on pleasantness and a score of 8, 9, or 10 for excitement. Have your partner do the same. Compare and choose two activities for 2011.
2. Think outside the box. If scuba diving is one of the activities you like, but the beach is too far away consider joining a scuba class taught inside. They have them in many cities in the US. After the lessons, consider a vacation where you can practice your new activity.
3. If you are feeling distant from your partner, consider a marriage retreat. Marriage retreats are usually considered low on the pleasantness scale and high on the excitement scale. I cannot think of a better way to begin the New Year than learning about yourself and your partner.
4. Don’t forget sex. There are many ways to try new and exciting things in the bedroom. They may feel awkward and not very pleasant, but may score an 8 or 9 on excitement. Excitement is in the eye of the beholder; for some people a new lingerie item may score a 10 on the excitement scale. Communication about sex is so important; never assume you know your partner’s feelings.
5. Making plans and being secretive about your new activity adds to the excitement. Plan with your partner and then keep it to yourselves. Having a rendezvous with your spouse over the lunch hour can be exciting. The fear of being caught by your employer or colleagues can keep the pleasant score low.
Divorces are preventable, but saying “NO” to them won’t be enough to prevent them. You constantly have to work on what makes the marriage closer, more intimate and fun. Staying married in a dull, unsatisfying marriage when it could be exciting and fun (no matter what your excuse) is never a good decision. -Mary Jo Rapini
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Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationships columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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