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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – Getting back into the dating game can be a daunting task at any age — especially after many years of being married. Whether the marriage ended in a hurtful divorce or left a spouse mourning the loss of a loved one, a person might be unsure of what to expect in a new relationship, particularly when it comes to sex.
Debby Herbenick, co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, offers some tips for those newly single men and women who are looking to revive their sex life:
Sex has changed — but not dramatically. Data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, for which Herbenick was a lead researcher, demonstrate that sex in America has changed, to some extent, over the past 20 years. Slightly more Americans report having had oral sex and significantly more American women and men (as many as 40 percent to 45 percent in some age groups) report having had anal sex. That said, many people appear to engage in anal sex only rarely. “The best news about sex is that it remains incredibly diverse with plenty of room to make of it what you and your partner want and to leave out the parts you don’t,” Herbenick said.
Sex may feel different than it did before. Very often, people who are returning to sex after a period of time without it are surprised to note that in some ways it feels like before (“just like riding a bike”) and in other ways it can feel very different. Starting over with someone new means having to tell and show them what you like and learning from them what they like, too. That can feel daunting for some and invigorating for others. “There are emotional aspects to starting again, too — facing your changed (and changing) body, reconnecting with someone, letting go, and showing your partner a private side of yourself,” Herbenick said. As for the physical aspects, genitals may feel and work differently than one remembers, depending on one’s health and age and all sorts of other factors. With menopause can come vaginal dryness (vaginal moisturizers and lubricant can help with this) and, for men, erectile difficulties can become more common (reading “The New Male Sexuality” can be helpful, as can sex therapy and, for some, prescription medications).
Safer sex isn’t only for teenagers. Data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior clearly show that teenagers are among the best and most frequent condom users. Adults could take a lesson from teenagers and use condoms more often with new and casual partners, partners whose sexually transmissible infection or HIV status they don’t know, or for birth control. In the study, 84 percent of 14- to 17-year-old males and 89 percent of 14- to 17-year-old females reported using a condom during their most recent sex act with a casual partner. However, these numbers were drastically lower among older adults, with about one-fifth to one-third (depending on the age group) reporting condom use with a casual partner.
Condoms have changed. There are more pleasure-focused condom choices than ever before: ribbed, studded, flavored, condoms with warming lubricant, better-fitting condoms for greater comfort and sensation, condoms that come with vibrating condom rings, and condoms that — in independent tests conducted at IU — some men have said felt so natural that they wondered if the condom was even still on (it was). Further, National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior data show that Americans who used condoms during their most recent sexual encounter tended to rate the sex as just as arousing and pleasurable as Americans who did not use a condom during their most recent sexual encounter.
Toys. Once largely relegated to adult bookstores frequented almost entirely by men, vibrators and other sex toys are now widely available on the Internet, through women’s in-home sex toy parties, and in the condom aisle of many drug stores and local chains. Vibrators have also been in the hands of 53 percent of American women and nearly half of American men, according to a 2009 study by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “They’ve also been linked to positive sexual function for women and men — plus, as we found in our research published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, most Americans feel that they contribute to healthy relationships and help make it easier for women to experience orgasm,” Herbenick said.
Lubricant is about pleasure, not just problem solving. Just as sex toys were once mostly in sketchy parts of town, lubricant was once mostly found in doctor’s offices — or in your grandmother’s bathroom drawer. Today, lubricants are commonly used for foreplay, sex play, and making intercourse more comfortable, pleasurable and exciting for couples of all ages. In a study of more than 2,400 women, Herbenick and her colleagues found that when women used lubricant during vaginal sex, anal sex or masturbation, they tended to rate it as more pleasurable and satisfying than when they didn’t use lubricant. “That doesn’t mean that you should use lubricant every time you have sex (though you can if you want to),” Herbenick said. “But it’s probably a good idea to have a bottle of water-based lubricant on your nightstand just in case you feel like adding some to your sex play.”
Herbenick is co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the IU School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and a widely read sex columnist. She is the author of “Because It Feels Good,” “Read My Lips” and “The I Love You More Book.” Her newest book, “Great in Bed,” is out this month.
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