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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – It’s a common problem I hear all the time. In fact, I heard it just yesterday over lunch. My friend was telling me she needed a break from the dating scene. When I asked her to explain, it became clearer that she was bored, confused, and didn’t understand how this relationship she has worked on for so long is becoming just that…work. She feels like they are so committed to making it work that it is working, but neither one of them is really engaged in it anymore. As she talked more about it, I began to wonder. Is it the heat? Maybe she is getting burned out in general (no pun intended). Or is it that she is such an organized person that she is trying to organize a relationship too? Everyone knows that you can kill a relationship if you try to control it. Whatever it is, I am sure about one thing: everyone has suffered from relationship burn out from time to time and the best thing we can do is leave it alone.
How do you do that when you are actively dating? I suggest you take a “dating break”. Fill this time with things you need to do for yourself. Go to the gym, take a class, paint, listen to music, sleep late, or spend Friday night at home with a good book or movie. Eat what you want, dress like you want, put your needs first before you think about pleasing another. Enter this time cautiously and have a set amount of time you will stay in the “date break” mode. I recommend 4 to 12 weeks because that is usually how long it takes to get your “center” back and you can more readily see what you need in another person and what you can offer another person.
How can you tell if you are a candidate for a “Date Break”? I have several questions below. If you answer yes to the following, you may be.
Can you trust another person or this person you are currently with? Do you worry about them when they are away? Are you suspicious they are with someone else? If you are burned out, then someone has betrayed your trust and before you begin dating again you need time to heal.
Do you find yourself dating the same type of person? If so this may mean you are in a rut. This attraction may be a “set up” because even though this type of person doesn’t respect you (a typical bad boy type) at least they are predictable. There may be comfort in being able to predict the outcome.
Do you really care about this person? Maybe you are comparing them to your one and only true love that you never got over. If you are still in love with someone in your past while dating another person this is called “rebound” and it usually doesn’t last. A dating break may be helpful.
When you are getting ready to go out do you find yourself dreading the evening? Are you with this person because you really like them or are you with them so you won’t be alone?
Do you find yourself constantly trying to change this person? Who are you really in love with? The person you are with or the person you want them to be?
Now for the tough part, what if you are ready for a date break but the person you are dating is not? My suggestion is to sit down with them and be honest. Tell them that the relationship you both have created is beginning to feel like work. Tell them you need to take a break and have some time to nurture yourself and get in touch with who you are. Finish by telling them that keeping it together without you being an active partner is unfair to both of you.
If you are married it is too late for a date break. Seek counseling. The counselor will have ideas in regards to giving you both space without losing your connection with each other.
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo writes her own column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in relationships. She is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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