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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – Most of us did not receive formal instructions on how to love. As we were growing up, we learned by observing our parents, siblings, and caregivers, who may or may not have been competent at managing and expressing their emotions. If your parents, like so many, were emotional amateurs, you likely have experienced challenges in meeting your love needs as an adult. The first step in creating more loving relationships is understanding the essential nature of emotions.
Bringing Awareness to Emotions
Emotions are physical sensations associated with thoughts in your mind. They are the essential mind-body experience. At the most fundamental level, we have the capacity for only two basic feelings – those of comfort and those of discomfort. When something or someone makes contact with your skin, which is the boundary of your physical self, nerve fibers send you a message of either comfort (a loving caress) or discomfort (stepping on a tack).
In a similar way, as your emotional boundaries are approached, you receive signals of comfort (someone compliments you) or discomfort (someone criticizes you). Whether or not you are consciously aware of it, every decision you make is based upon the expectation that your choice will generate more comfort, or at least less discomfort. This is true whether you are choosing a partner, a job, or a brand of toothpaste.
We can observe this core emotional principle in action by watching young children. When a child wants to be held by his mother, being picked up makes him happy; not being held makes him sad. On the other hand, when the child wants to play with his friends, being held makes him miserable, whereas running free brings him pleasure. Emotions derive from needs. When our needs are being met, we feel comfortable. When they are not, we feel uncomfortable.
Conscious Communication
Experiencing greater emotional well-being flows from mastering the ability to clearly communicate what you want in life. The better we become at communicating our needs, the more likely we are to get them met – and the greater emotional well-being we will experience.
The key principle of conscious communication is making it as easy as possible for the other person to meet your need by asking for the specific behavior that will fulfill it. I encourage you to master it by practicing the following simple method. Here are the four steps:
Whenever you feel upset, realize that it is because you have an unmet need.
Identify what happened that was different from what you expected.
Identify what you need that you did not get.
4) Ask for the behavior, being as specific as possible.
Although using this process does not guarantee that you will always get your needs met, it will increase the probability that you will spend more time feeling comfortable and less time in emotional distress.
Love Is a Practice
Love is an ability that improves with practice. The more consciously you can identify and communicate your expectations, the more likely you are to create a healthy, evolving bond. Listen therefore to the wisdom of your heart and allow it to guide you into higher expressions of love.
Dr. David Simon is the medical director and co-founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing in Carlsbad, California. David Simon is also the best-selling author of many books, including his newest Amazon bestseller, Free to Love, Free to Heal: Heal Your Body by Healing Your Emotions. Visit www.chopra.com/love
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