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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – If you listen to country western songs or the top ten love songs you will find evidence of “toxic love” or co-dependent love. This type of love is something many TV shows promote as well as popular movies. Many women and men grow up wanting this and they recite parts of these messages in wedding vows. We don’t usually act defensively because we understand weddings are a day of romance and complete love and devotion. How do you know when the person you are dating or have had a relationship with in the past is going or has gone too far with their feelings of total dependence on you? It was in the paper recently with a man killing himself due to his feelings of emotional dependence on his former lover. It is the reason for domestic violence as well as suicides. Love should never be about two halves making a whole. Nor should love ever become a painful obsession. You should never feel like you are a hostage or being controlled by the person you love. If you feel like you cannot be happy without a relationship you may become unhealthy and settle for abuse as well as self deprivation.
Couples who feel this kind of love may experience what we call “toxic” or co-dependent love. It is not to be confused with true love. There is nothing true in it and many times it is just the opposite.
Here are a few examples of true love vs. toxic love. These were described by two psychologists (Beattie and Gorski) who did extensive work in this area.
1. Real love is development of self love first.
Toxic love is development or obsession with the relationship.
2. Real love wants everyone to grow. It gives love room.
Toxic- Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness). For example if he says he will kill himself without you, this is most likely because he is insecure and cannot imagine living without you.
3. Love – Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. True love relishes in many relationships an self development..
Toxic love – Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests. People in toxic love have a need to isolate and be alone together.
4. Love – Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love – Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing (this is seen when one of the spouses gets a new job, or promotion. Anything that changes or threatens the partners security causes anxiety.
5. Love – Appropriate trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love – Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”
6. Love – Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. There is a balance within the relationship.
Toxic love – Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love – Embracing of each other’s individuality.
Toxic love – Trying to change someone so they fit your image of what they should look like.
8. Love – Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love – Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love – Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood.
Toxic love – Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love – Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love – Enmeshment. No clear boundaries between yourself and your partner. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is upset you cannot function for the rest of the day.
11. Love – Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love – Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love – Ability to enjoy being alone. They like being different from their partner and having their own interests.
Toxic love – Unable to endure separation; clinging. They are fearful of the partner having their “own thing”.
As a couple you must see a relationship as an opportunity for growth, not as a goal. When and if your relationship ends it is not a failure, but provides you with a lesson. It’s okay to like country western love songs as well as pop love songs, but just remember they are songs. When your relationship actually looks like the song it may be time to re-evaluate.
For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a contributing columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in relationships. She is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at Mary Jo Rapini
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