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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – The holidays contribute to it. The financial situation contributes to it. Sleepless nights contribute to it. It is stress, and it takes a toll on our sex lives. In my office couple after couple come in and complain about not being able to orgasm. A couple may not be able to let go of thinking about an upcoming deadline, budget, or fatigue to enjoy making love. Another couple watching the clock knowing they have to get up early and their partner still hasn’t climaxed. Will she ever finish? Couple’s feelings of distractions and worry interfere with their ability to enjoy sexual pleasure. If this sounds familiar you are not alone. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association (Feb. 09) half of all women and one third of men experience sexual dysfunction. Stress is one of the most significant risk factors for difficulties with sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. In my office it is the number one cause of loss of libido and desire among couples. That stress can come from a variety of sources including job loss, death of a loved one, child care, sleepless nights, and the stress of the holidays.
If you are one of the couples who struggle with feeling in the mood for stress due to stress these suggestions will help. Talk to your partner at a time when neither of you are stressed, and plan to engage in one new behavior a week. When you plan a new activity together you immediately alleviate some stress due to the fact that you are working together. Part of stress is feeling alone and totally responsible.
1. Begin by taking turns initiating sex. Many couples who are stressed say they feel responsible because their partner never initiates anything and they feel totally responsible for when and if sex happens. When you initiate it, you get to set the stage too. If you are more romantic find nice candles, and soft music to make your “sex time” romantic. This challenges couples to think about love making more if they are initiating love making.
2. Put it on your schedule and begin by scheduling sex once a week. If you schedule it only once a week chances are higher that you will achieve it and also that you will not be too tired. Also, when you set your goals lower and you achieve them it is much easier to build in more frequency as you are both feeling successful.
3. Talk to your partner. When couples get stressed they forget to communicate. They become irritable and terse. Set aside 15 minutes per day with your phones and computers off to look at your partner and talk. Make sure this talk time is a time when you can say what you are feeling in a non critical/non blaming way.
4. Plan something “fun” to do with your partner each week. That can be as simple as sitting in a book store drinking coffee and reading magazines, to a night in a hotel. Stress makes us old and boring. It is okay to put your stress on hold to enjoy your partner once a week.
Stress doesn’t go away. We learn how to live with it and manage it. Using these simple tools can help you manage it in the bedroom.
Mary Jo Rapini. Mary Jo Rapini
Watch Mary Jo on the new episode of Big Medicine on Discovery Health. Wednesday, Nov. 18th at 9p.m. EST.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazines. In 2010 Mary Jo will be a contributing expert for Redbook and Self Magazine’s “Love and Relationship” sections. Mary Jo is a “City Bright” writer for the Houston Chronicle, and is a contributing columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and writes a column “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships in her private practice. She is the Intimacy/Sex psychotherapist for the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007 in conjunction with the Methodist Weight Management Center since 2005.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including CBS up to the Minute, Montel, Fox National Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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