“Wow, if Sandra Bullock is cheated on what hope is there for the rest of us” (Overheard a 22 year old girl talking to her girlfriend).
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – We all heard the story of Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock and asked the same question. “Why, how, was he nuts”? None of us know Sandra but she seems like the perfect package so why would any guy throw that away on a tattoo play girl? The other common comments were “Sandra is so beautiful, why would a guy cheat on her?” We cannot make sense of this, anymore then we can when we hear stories of John Edwards or Tiger Woods and the list continues. Men don’t cheat because someone prettier comes along (although she may act sexier). They cheat because they can, and they aren’t thinking of the consequences. Women also cheat. They cheat because they become involved with someone emotionally. They rationalize to themselves that this person cares for them and is able to connect to them and their current partner cannot. Women will rarely cheat without having a relationship, but men don’t necessarily need a relationship to cheat. Women more commonly cheat upwards (economically and/or socially) whereas many men cheat downwards (the person they cheat with many times is not educated or at the level their wife is with years of school or income). Fifty percent of my clients who come in for marital help have cheated. This makes infidelity a big part of my practice. I am going to explain to you what I see and back it up with what I know is true in the psychology literature as well as what I have learned from following these patients. As you read this, try not to get defensive (there is no honorable reason to cheat). When you are trying to save your marriage you must remain humble and open. Love and earning back one’s trust takes time and patience.
When you are evaluating someone in regards to whether they may cheat on you it is important to find out a little bit about their family of origin. Did their dad or mother ever cheat on each other? If so what was that like? How old was your partner when they found out, and how did the cheating affect the parent’s marriage? If your partner’s parents cheated there is a good chance that your partner may cheat. We all learn behaviors from our parents and whether or not your parents cheated will have an effect on you in regards to cheating. If you deny it you have more of a chance of cheating, so being honest and dealing with your feelings in regards to it will be helpful in preventing it in your own marriage.
If you do find out your partner has cheated there is no immediate cure. Divorce is not going to give you back your marriage, it is not going to even things out, and it is not going to help your children. Cheating on your partner so they know how it feels is not a wise decision either, both of you will lose with this decision. So STOP…BREATHE…and have the cheating partner agree to give you some time to think. Acting immediately at this time, will make everything worse.
Tips that may help you get through the first weeks after the affair.
Just as in 911 when the US stopped all air traffic and closed all borders that is what you must do now. Make an effort to close all of your “borders”. No one is allowed in or out of the marriage except for the two of you. Strong boundaries should have been in place but most likely they were not, so this is the time to set them up. This is not the time to tell anyone about what happened. This is the time to sit with your partner and discuss what happened, reasons it may have happened and to come up with options that will help (one of those should be finding a counselor).
If there was a mistress or a mister that person must be out of the picture if you are going to rebuild your marriage. No ifs, ands, or buts, I don’t care (nor should you) if the reason your spouse cannot break up with them is because they (the lover) are suicidal, nothing should prevent this break up. If you or your spouse are worried this person may actually attempt suicide call the police, but otherwise don’t use that as an excuse as it is arrogant and we all know it is a lie (and if you are the cheater you cannot afford to be caught in another lie).
Get rid of your phone, your phone number, and your text privileges. From now on you must share email address as well as passwords for face book pages, emails, etc…To rebuild a marriage will mean you have to rebuild trust and this takes complete transparency. It also means for a while you will not be trusted. This is as it should be; you have shown your spouse that you are seducible, lie, and cheat. Ask yourself why your partner should trust you?
Communicate with your spouse every day. Call them from work. Come home from work and make yourself available. Tell her/him where you are at all times. This may mean you give them your schedule every day even if they act like they don’t want it. Rebuilding trust means you are there whenever your spouse needs you. Be where you say you are at all times.
As the spouse of a cheater you have some work to do also. Write down three things that you need immediately from your spouse to begin restoring trust. After writing them down give them to your spouse and talk about them. Does your spouse think they can fulfill these? Your counselor can go over this list with you also and they may have other ideas to add to the list that will help immediately.
As the spouse of a cheater reflect on the past six months prior to you finding out your spouse cheated. Did you submerge yourself into your work? Have you gotten closer to the children and excluded your spouse on an emotional level? Have you suffered past resentment that you didn’t deal with and held it against them? Have you withheld sex, emotion, touching? You did not cause your spouse to cheat. It is not your fault that your spouse held and/or had sex with another. But…it is your marriage and your fate is wrapped up with theirs, so it is wise if you face this and try to work through what happened.
Very important to mention, but very difficult to think about: do not have sex with your cheating partner again until he/she has had a STD panel. One of the main issues that cause so much pain after infidelity is that the spouse of a cheater will contract an STD 6 months to a year after they have reconciled. This opens up the pain of the affair much like ripping a scab off a cut, and makes trust very difficult.
Hurt turns to anger and it doesn’t take very long for this to happen after infidelity. Expect to go up and down with your emotions in the weeks following infidelity. Be patient. Remember feelings are just feelings they are not right or wrong. As much as possible do not act upon your feelings. Focus on breathing, finding space, and remaining calm. This will give you time to think and consider all options, rather than the most immediate one to “throw your spouse out”.
Many of us say that infidelity is a sure precursor to divorce. But in my practice only one third of my couples who suffer from infidelity go on to divorce. They stay together for many reasons, their history, their friendship, their children, and their sadness of living without each other. Any reason is a good reason to stay married if there is a foundation of hope and love. I have seen marriages become stronger after infidelity, although I don’t advise this as a method of growing. I have witnessed few things as painful as going through infidelity appears to be. However….as a psychotherapist I do not believe infidelity must nor should it automatically lead to divorce. On the other hand as a married woman it may. –Mary Jo Rapini-
Contact Mary Jo Rapini at: [email protected]
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationsips columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at Mary Jo Rapini
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