It’s not the heat making your rager rage.
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – I practice out of an old building in the village area. There are about twenty steps you have to walk. The building is a historical building and somehow they were exempt from requiring an elevator. Sam and Sue came in to see me. The presenting problem was anger. Sue (who made the appointment) was at wit’s end due to Sam’s anger. Sam has more than anger. He is not a Mel Gibson but is a rager and I heard him coming up the steps working up to a full blown tantrum when I met him at the door. I smiled, greeted them, and although he was able to grunt a “hello” he launched into telling me how bad those stairs were (he is overweight) and he didn’t know if I was worth the climb up the stairs (probably not). I smiled thinking…great, I wonder if my friend Newton Hightower will want to work with this guy? Newton is an Anger Management Expert and he trained me and many other therapists to be certified in Anger Management resolution. About halfway through the session I realized part of Sam’s problem was his wife. He was going on and on with his anger at her (he thought they were coming in for marital work) and I asked her what she thought about his behavior. She told me with a straight face, “It’s the heat Mary Jo. He rages and gets angry with the heat.” Never mind the fact I have to wear a coat in my office because it is so cold. This was her excuse for putting up with his anger most likely for about 20 of their 21 years of marriage.
Anger is a primary cause for break ups, divorces and domestic violence in the US. In fact, anger kills more people than we know because it causes heart disease, hypertension, cancer and many other chronic illnesses have a correlation with anger. It also causes depression in children, wives and husbands. It leads to drug addictions, alcoholism, food addictions, etc….Anger is deadly if it is not managed and expressed appropriately.
How do you know if your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend needs help with their management of anger? Newton Hightower’s book “Anger 101” helps you diagnosis it with the self assessment below.
1. ANGER SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST
This test will help you gauge how big of a problem you might have. Answer True or False to the following questions. Please be honest with your answers since you don’t have to share your results with anyone.
1. I’ve had trouble on the job because of my temper.
2. People say that I fly off the handle easily.
3. I don’t always show my anger but when I do, look out.
4. I still get angry when I think of the bad things people did to me in the past.
5. I hate lines, and I especially hate waiting in line.
6. I often find myself engaged in heated arguments with the people who are close to me.
7. At times, I’ve felt angry enough to kill.
8. When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don’t usually say anything at the time, but later I spend a lot of time thinking of cutting replies I could and should have made.
9. I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong.
10. I get angry with myself when I lose control of my emotions.
11. I get aggravated when people don’t behave the way they should.
12. If I get really upset about something, I have a tendency to feel sick later (frequently experiencing weak spells, headaches, upset stomach or diarrhea).
13. When things don’t go my way, I “lose it.”
14. I am apt to take frustration so badly that I cannot put it out of my mind.
15. I’ve been so angry at times that I couldn’t remember what I said or did.
16. Sometimes I feel so hurt and alone that I’ve thought about killing myself.
17. After arguing with someone, I despise myself.
18. When riled, I often blurt out things that I later regret saying.
19. Some people are afraid of my bad temper.
20. When I get angry, frustrated or hurt, I comfort myself by eating or using alcohol or other drugs.
21. When someone hurts me, I want to get even.
22. I’ve gotten so angry at times that I’ve become physically violent, hitting other people or breaking things.
23. I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about the things that upset me during the day.
24. People I’ve trusted have often let me down, leaching me feeling angry or betrayed.
25. I’m an angry person. My temper has already caused lots of problems and I need help changing it.
Scoring your results:
If you answered “True” to 10 or more of the questions, you are prone to anger problems. It’s time for a change.
If you answered “True” to 5 questions, you are about average in your angry feelings, but learning some anger management techniques could make you happier.
Sue and Sam both took this self-assessment test. Sam had a score of 20. Sue had a score of 3. Sam needs help. Before they left my office I recommended Newton’s book to them, and then went over a few of the changes that would help their marriage right away. This infuriated Sam to think that he was responsible for making changes in his behavior. If you are a rager or married to one encouraging your spouse or taking on one or two of these changes a week will make a big difference in your ability to communicate with your partner. These are all in Newton’s book mentioned above, but this will get you started with managing your anger and helping restore your relationship.
1. Stop speaking when angry.
2. Stop staying when angry.
3. Stop staring when angry.
4. Stop interrupting when angry.
5. Stop cursing when angry.
6. Stop name-calling when angry.
7. Stop threatening (including implied threats) when angry.
8. Stop pointing when angry.
9. Stop yelling, raising voice, or talking in a mean tone when angry.
10. Stop being sarcastic/mocking when angry.
11. Stop throwing things, slamming doors, or banging walls when angry.
12. Stop ALL non-affectionate touching when angry.
13. Stop telling “hero stories” (how you “stood up” to someone) when angry.
14. Stop sighing, clucking, or rolling your eyes when angry.
15. Stop criticizing and lecturing when angry.
16. Stop telling “hero stories” (how you “stood up” to someone) when angry.
These are stories about how we were justified when we lost our temper, or about the really great sarcastic comment we made to someone when angry. When we retell the story, it makes us look like a hero for standing up to someone. It’s as though we’re just waiting for someone to say, “Yeah, you really told them off!” These stories seldom include how we really felt about the situation, such as the sorrow and shame we may feel for hurting the other person. When we stop, take a breath, and face our feelings, healing can begin. Hero stories only fuel our anger by making us look bigger than we really are. They often hide pain, anguish, and fear.
17. Stop sighing, clucking, or rolling your eyes when angry.
Sighs can be easily mistaken by another person as an expression of negative feelings. We’ve all done it, and we’ve all made the excuse that we’re “just tired.” We make the excuse that our sigh didn’t mean anything. But it’s important to remember that a sigh can also be a way to express anger. Nonverbal responses, like clucking, fuels anger in us and our spouse. They should be recognized, avoided, and stopped. More and more researchers are finding that couples express most of their hostility to each other in nonverbal ways, so the HOW is as important as the WHAT we say. We can communicate disgust and anger nonverbally by rolling our eyes, and we humiliate and embarrass our spouse when we do so.
18. Stop criticizing and lecturing when angry.
Stop telling yourself, “If I don’t criticize her, how will she know when she does something wrong?” A lot of men with rage problems think it’s their job to help improve their wife’s shortcomings. But, it’s not your job in life to point out what others are doing wrong. You may see it as “helping” someone, but you must realize that they may not see it that way.
Being a rager is a life of misery. Your marriage usually doesn’t last long and your kids grow up despising you. Being married to a ragger is putting you in an abusive situation. Sam and Sue can work this out, but it will take both of them. Sam needs to make major changes in the way he expresses himself and Sue needs to stop making excuses for his disrespectful behavior. If Sue can hold the line, hold him accountable and not “settle” with any excuse, it can get as hot as hell in Houston and Sam can learn to keep his mouth shut unless respectful words and deeds are going to be said and/or done. –Mary Jo Rapini
For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationships columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at Mary Jo Rapini
Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini
Mary Jo appears on Fox 26,Houston, Tex. every Thursday morning with “Mind, Body, and Soul with Mary Jo”. Tune in to get real answers to your real relationship problems.
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