Does the recession have your husband taking his work to bed?
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – A recent study reported in the Daily Mail Reporter showed that men are working, on average, 60 hours a week. The study went on to say that men have less free time than they did five years ago—eight and a half hours less to be exact. Last week I attended a women’s group, and we chatted about our men, their work and our sex lives. In the women’s group, there are a wide variety of occupations, including teachers, stay at home moms, writers, and athletes.
This topic came up because we all realized that our husbands were working longer hours and seemed exhausted. The recession has them on a treadmill of sorts. When men work longer hours, they have a more difficult time shifting from work to being someone’s husband and lover. You can observe this same pattern with many women who become mothers. Our society continues to mentor men to be providers, so often their work identifies them completely. I told the women’s group that many of my patients with sexual problems have noted this. Men tell me they have a difficult time turning their work-mode off. In counseling, I have seen this problem so frequently that I ask the couples’ professions and how many hours they work each day.
A while back, I gave a talk about building intimacy in your marriage. One of the attendees came forward and explained that she was the wife of a pilot. She said her husband made love like he flew; he is great at take off. He gets excited, pulls back, and then he is on automatic pilot and talks only so he can verify his location. He has no idea how to connect with her body, how she is feeling, or how to make it better for her. Going with her analogy, I asked her how he is with landing. She told me he lands rough. I have been on a plane that lands fast and rough and I don’t particularly like it. She told me it wasn’t enjoyable, and she didn’t know how to make it better. Her husband is flying all of the time. Airline mergers are demanding more and more from our pilots. Helping this guy relax and remember that it is okay to leave work behind to be with his wife should be part of any treatment plan. Also, she can help by knowing her body; she can show him what feels good and what doesn’t. If he can fill that “automatic time” with arousing her further, that could change their love-making and improve their marriage.
One of the women in the group was smiling and said, “Wow…this explains a lot.” Her husband works in construction. His job includes jack hammering. I’m sure you have heard or seen a jack hammer; they are loud, rough, and go up and down in fast spurts. Then they stop for a while, before they began jack hammering again. The women all smiled. I realized this would be a terrible job to take to bed. As expected, his back hurts all the time. He has no stamina for long love-making, and his organs are all jiggled out of place. He also lacks patience and constantly asks his wife if she is done. Done with what? He is thinking there is a slab of concrete that still needs hammering.
The woman in the group who is married to an administrator was the most perplexed. She said her husband talks in his sleep a lot and seems agitated most of the time. Being an administrator is a complex job and, from what I have seen, someone is always mad at you. Most administrators appear stressed and fatigued whenever I see them. Stress and fatigue can ruin your sex drive. Stress can actually make you more susceptible to obesity, heart disease and cancer. Fatigue can make you listless and uninterested in sex among other things. Most administrators feel caught in the middle, and if you take that attitude to bed it’s a sure sign of failure. If you think about making love, the most important thing is to be yourself and feel free to express yourself.
My best friend in the group is a woman who is married to a lawyer. She admitted that her husband is a prosecutor and impossible in the bedroom. We all laughed and then asked what she meant. She said the other day he had read an article saying that 80% of women fake orgasms. He was out to prove she was faking. She said she laughed at him that night and told him he was insane. It is her body and surely she knows if she had an orgasm. He kept questioning her from different angles, hoping to slip her up. She said their love-making was funny that night, but not productive (she didn’t say it, but I think unproductive meant she didn’t orgasm). The guy is working too many hours. He needs to quit prosecuting in bed.
For you wives married to working men, may I suggest the following tips to help them decompress before bed:
1. Make sure your spouse knows intimate time is important time and one you look forward to sharing.
2. Give each other a massage or take turns rubbing each other’s feet. This is a good time to tell your spouse how you appreciate their ability to help provide for the family.
3. Drink a cup of hot tea, cocoa, or wine before bed. Shut the TV off and turn on relaxing music.
4. Talk to your spouse about something fun you are going to do with them on the weekend.
5. Don’t ever ask them how their work is going right before bed.
6. Make sure you aren’t stuck in a “mommy role” or distracted by your own job when you are being intimate.
7. Tell them something sexy about the way they look sitting there with you.
When you are dating someone, it may be worthwhile to find out what they do for a living. It may also be wise to find out how much their job means to them. If they are working long hours and talk about their work all the time, you better like what they do. Because if you marry them, it is highly likely you will encounter their job in bed. –Mary Jo Rapini
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