“Family Feud”, I mean Thanksgiving is right around the corner
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – The week after Thanksgiving many of my clients come back from their family visits with old scabs being torn open and battle wounds from the dinner table. Why is going home so stressful for so many people? When you come from a family that previously had inflicted pain or abuse, you want to believe that as an adult you will have outgrown it. This is a magical sort of thinking that happens to all of us. It goes something like this: “I am an adult now, so the critical things my parents or siblings say to me will run off my back.” Nothing could be further from the truth. You are an adult, but somehow when you go home no matter how old your family members have become, you regress back into your “child” role. Many times you may end up getting in a heated argument with your spouse, because they don’t understand how you have morphed while at your parent’s home. They cannot understand how it felt for you as a child even though you may have told them over and over again. When it is so painful to go home to your family of origin, I recommend not going there. Invite family (that you enjoy) and friends to your home to celebrate the day. If you feel like you must go, or that to not go would be even worse, here are tips that may help get you through the day or weekend:
1. Plan ahead. Make a plan before you go: how long you will stay, and who you will stay with (sometimes a hotel is your wisest choice). Remember, the important thing is that you are able to see your family. Just because they live on the opposite coast from you does not mean you have to stay four days to make it worthwhile. Often times the shorter the stay the more productive and festive the celebration. Always have a plan B (a way to escape so that you can feel in control and calm). Having a favorite book store or coffee shop in the same town as your family provides a “mini-escape” when those moments present that make you anxious.
2. Make sure your closest friends know where you are and have them call you at certain times. Being able to talk to someone not involved in your family circle helps provide emotional support and assures you that you are loved and have a life separate from your family of origin.
3. Write in your journal instead of yelling or crying to family members. Families are supposed to promote feelings of being loved, but some families work the opposite and make you feel insecure and attacked. Yelling at them or crying will only fuel this type of family to continue. Go to your plan B and write in your journal to get the feelings out without resorting to their dysfunctional methods.
4. Make sure you eat well and continue your exercise program when you visit your family. If you aren’t eating well, sleeping or exercising, it takes less to make you feel irritable. Always take care of yourself first so you have your “best self” at the get together.
5. Seldom does alcohol help the situation with a difficult family. When you see the alcohol begin to flow it is a good time to excuse yourself from the gathering.
6. Don’t forget the spiritual aspects of the holiday. If your family has forgotten this part of the celebration go ahead and say your own prayer, quote, or meditation. It is possible that your prayer, quote or observance of the season will inspire one other person from your family.
7. Always, always, take care of yourself, your spouse and your children. You are an adult now, and you no longer have to act out of a sense of obligation. Do what feels right for you. If a half hour is all you can take, leave after thirty minutes. It is your life, heart and soul. Many people continue the abuse by making themselves participate for fear of hurting their parents. It is okay to tell your parents “No, I cannot come this year.” Avoid being the one who is continuing your pain by your inability to say “No” and risking not being favored by them.
No one chooses which family into which they will be born. We can choose how much we interact with that family. Most families have people in them that challenge the others at some time or another. Their little quirks or quips make you cringe but you love them and want to embrace them. If you were raised by a family that hurt you, or made you feel belittled or worthless, then staying in your own home surrounded by your children, partner and closest friends may be a better way to celebrate.-Mary Jo Rapini
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationships columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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Join me every Thursday Morning on “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” on Fox 26 at 9 a.m. Houston, Texas
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