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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – A dear friend of mine is dating a delinquent. He is 42 years old, has never been married, and cannot hold down a job. He steals, and you cannot trust him at all to do what he says he will do. He tells her he will pick her up and actually picks her up about 50% of the time he says he will. He goes out with his buddies and comes home at 2 and 3 a.m. Over lunch last week, she told me she wanted to marry him. I was flabbergasted, and had only one thing to ask, “WHY?” My friend is older; is he the only kind of guy she thinks can date? Most of the great guys I know are married. Does marriage make guys better or are better men married? Researchers have been trying to figure that out for ages. There is evidence that marriage does reduce illegal and aggressive behavior in men, but it is still unclear if that is a function of marriage or whether less aggressive, more social men were more likely to get married in the first place.
A new study led by a Michigan State University geneticist contends that it is a combination of both. In the December issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry, Dr. S. Alexandra Burt and colleagues found that less antisocial men were more likely to get married. Once they were married, the marriage itself appeared to further inhibit their antisocial behavior. According to Dr. Burt, “marriage is generally good for men, at least in terms of reducing antisocial behavior, but the data also indicates that it is not random who enters into the state of marriage.” The study found that men with lower levels of antisocial behavior at ages 17 and 20 years were more likely to have married by age 29 (the researchers refer to the act of entering into marriage as a selection process). Burt said it’s unlikely that marriage inhibits men’s antisocial behavior directly, but rather that marriage is a marker for other factors such as social bonding, spending less time with delinquent peers, and better communication. The higher quality the marriage was, the stronger the effect was on these men.
I don’t think my friend should marry this guy. I don’t think he understands the concept of love, and I think she should let someone else try to help him. She wants children and anytime I think of him being a dad, I cringe. However, anything is possible; I have seen men change when they marry someone who understands how to communicate love and acceptance. My friend asked me for suggestions that would help her pursue this relationship and give it the best chance. Below are my suggestions:
* Step back and get your mind clear about what you want in a marriage. Make a list of what is good about your relationship with this person, what is weak and what you need more help with.
* Go see a therapist individually. Tell them the truth about this relationship and show them your list. Tell your therapist how you feel about this person and believe what they tell you.
* Never marry a person you don’t trust. If someone you love is not transparent, they need to seek help on their own to figure it out.
* Limit his time with delinquent friends. If he needs to be with his friends more than he needs to be with you, he is showing you where you stand on his value scale.
* Do your own work. If you are willing to marry someone who treats you badly, why do you think you deserve that?
A common thing I hear from women over the age of thirty is “All the good guys are married.” This study supports that. However, I work with many men, and I can tell you there are good men who have never been married, or are divorced and are available. Men add so much to a relationship, I cannot imagine my life without the kind, wonderful men in it. If you are attracting delinquent men, it may be wise to reflect on yourself rather than blaming all men for this one (or two) who happened into your life. –Mary Jo Rapini
For more information go to: Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two. She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, Women’s Health, First, and Seventeen magazine. Mary Jo has a syndicated column (Note to Self) in the Houston Chronicle, is a Love/Relationships columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com and “Ask Mary Jo” in Houston Family Magazine. She is an intimacy and sex counselor, and specializes in empowering relationships. She has worked with the Pelvic restorative center at Methodist Hospital since 2007.
Mary Jo is a popular speaker across the nation, with multiple repeat requests to serve as key-note speaker for national conferences. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She was recently a major participant in a symposium for young girls dealing with body image and helping girls become strong women. Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever. She has appeared on television programs including Montel, Fox Morning News and various Houston television and radio programs. Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com
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