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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – My mother looked at life and my dad through “rose colored glasses.” She wore a gold pin in a heart shape that read, “My heart belongs to Carl.” Carl was my dad and, although he didn’t buy her the heart to wear, I know it made him feel good that she wore it. She was a school teacher and I remember her walking out the door in the morning, briefcase in hand with the pin on her dress. I also remember seeing it on her change of clothes in the evening. My mother was emotionally and verbally supportive of my dad. Things that most of us expect our husbands to do, she made mention of and was so grateful. I didn’t notice it until I began to see how others treated their spouses. It turns out that my mother’s positive way of looking at my dad was probably a big contributor to why they were married until they died.
New research published in the April issue of Psychological Science, reports that people who were idealistic about their partners when they got married were more satisfied with their marriage three years later than less idealistic people. For the study, 222 couples were recruited as they applied for their marriage licenses at the Buffalo, New York City Hall. Sandra Murray is one of the authors of the study and works at the University of Buffalo. Dr. Murray had participants fill out surveys on themselves, their partner, and their marriage every six months for three years.
Murray and her colleagues examined what people said about their hopes for an ideal partner, how they described their partners, and how the partners described themselves. From this, the researchers developed a ranking of how idealistic and how realistic each person’s perception was. The researchers concluded that people who had an idealistic view of their spouse actually stayed happier over the next three years than people who were the least idealistic (the majority of divorces happen in the first three years of marriage).
We are all good at changing our definitions of ourselves to match how we want to be seen by others and ourselves. When couples come in for counseling, if one partner is willing to be supportive of their spouse, the other spouse will usually try to match the behavior being boasted about. Everything in the marriage begins improving. This study also points out why second marriages may be more difficult. Second marriages have less idealism than first marriages. They have a lot of other stressors, too, but it’s difficult to believe completely; if you have been divorced, you understand how someone you once loved can be the person who turns and causes you intense pain.
So what is actually happening? Is the person who is idealistic and seeing only the good in their partner actually causing the partner to strive to be a better person? When I look at my father and my clients, one thing is for sure: when you live with someone who is positive and grateful, you usually change your behavior to become more that way. My dad was a wonderful man, but my mother was very grateful for him, too. My clients can be fighting and arguing all the time, but if I can get one of them to begin changing their focus, the other will usually follow in kind.
Below are three tips if you would like to begin instituting more idealism into your relationship:
1. Instead of focusing on what your partner is not doing well, focus on what they are doing or just did that was kind. Tell them OUT LOUD how happy that made you. Something as simple as picking up something you dropped is a wonderful place to begin.
2. Begin saying OUT LOUD in front of your partner and the kids how grateful you are about one nice thing your partner did for you.
3. When you get those old tapes going in your head about how someone else’s partner is so much better, remind yourself that you have the ability to begin making positive changes in your marriage. When you are unhappy with yourself, you project that and your partner most likely gets those “cues” and personalizes them.
Most of us want the best marriage we can have. Often we identify the problem and keep talking about the problem, but fail to make the necessary changes. Your partner reacts to everything you do. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.” –Mary Jo Rapini
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Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is featured on TLC’s new series, Big Medicine which completed season one and two..She is also a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan magazine, People magazine, Women’s Health, First, New York Daily News and Seventeen magazines. In 2010 Mary Jo will be a contributing expert for Redbook, People, and Self Magazine “Love and Relationship” section. Mary Jo is a “City Bright” writer for the Houston Chronicle, and is a contributing columnist to HealthNewsDigest.com,
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