Family Dynamics and Perception Play Huge Roles
in Emotionally Charged and Challenging Holiday Family Gatherings
|
|
(HealthNewsDigest.com) -NEW YORK – With Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza and New Year’s Eve approaching, people will be traveling to spend time with the family for feasting, reflection and celebration. According to well-known New York Harris Stratyner, Ph.D., you’re not simply spending time with the people in the room, but with your extended family — grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings both near and far. This family dynamic can resurrect myriad emotions, positive and negative, that can reach a crescendo at the holidays. These emotions can run high as family members vie for attention, dredge up the past, discuss present-day issues, and query one-another about future plans.
“All the births, deaths, medical problems, operations, family milestones, aging of parents, and issues of the past, present and future, are all on the table,” Dr. Stratyner says of the family gathering. “It’s a loaded environment before you even walk through the door, and people really react.”
Indeed, he points out, the prospect of even attending a family gathering is often fraught with angst — before the occasion even gets under way.
“A lot of people suffer from anticipatory anxiety,” he explains. Introducing a new significant other to the family, meeting his or her parents or your new in-laws, and all meeting while under the stress of a bad economy, unemployment or low self-esteem, can compound the tension at the family holiday gathering. “Combining family systems, making sure that parents don’t embarrass you in front of a new boyfriend or girlfriend, this can all lead to a lot of stress and anxiety.”
A comingling of different cultures at holiday family events can also prove unnerving, Dr. Stratyner says. Even a menu that favors the ethnic background of one family member over another can create conflict. Religion can also pose its own issues; “lapsed” Catholics or Jews might be scorned by older, more religiously devout members of the family, creating additional consternation. “This can add a lot of pressure,” Dr. Stratyner says.
Stress resulting from financial problems and tension on the job can also surface at the family gathering. “Issues about work, anxiety over income, whether or not you’ll get a bonus or a raise, or fear of being laid off, or being unemployed — they’re all catalysts for stress” at the family gathering, Dr. Stratyner observes.
Fears of aging and being with elderly family members can conjure feelings of mortality and the realization that loved ones are aging. This, too, can elicit feelings of sadness and inevitability, Dr. Stratyner says, all leading to anxiety and stress. “Holidays are supposed to be joyous,” he says. “But they often come with a lot of mixed emotions.”
Dr. Stratyner points out that the presence of alcohol and drugs only exacerbates the anticipatory anxiety of an imminent gathering. “Alcohol is ever-present during holiday gatherings,” he says, “along with other mood-altering substances like cocaine or marijuana.” Alcohol affects the central nervous system, and it can cloud thinking, reduce inhibitions, and be a incite disappointment, upheaval and even rage in a family setting. Dr. Stratyner advises never to drink alcohol on an empty stomach, never to combine alcohol with carbonation as this can heighten intoxication, and to drink only in moderation. Anyone in recovery should absolutely abstain from drinking.
With so much potential for stress and anxiety at the holiday gather, how do you keep your sanity and sense of self while still enjoying the occasion and those around you? “Acceptance is a big part of it,” Dr. Stratyner says. Accepting one’s role in the family as well as the strengths and shortcomings of other family members will go a long way toward helping everyone to survive the holiday gathering emotionally intact.
Cognitive restructuring is an important tool in achieving this goal, Dr. Stratyner insists. It requires reorienting thinking patterns to correct negative thoughts and put a more positive “spin” on the situation, thereby making the situation more palatable psychologically and emotionally. Holiday gatherings can be difficult on any family member, and discussion of sensitive influences such as unemployment, financial hardship or current events can exert added pressure.
“These influences can be catalysts,” Dr. Stratyner explains, and they can elicit anger, resentment or alienation. “With cognitive restructuring, you ‘restructure’ your thinking: Remember that you’re now in the safety and security of your family. These are the people who ultimately know you, who love you, and who understand you. They can feel your joy and your sorrow and they do care about you.” This shift in perception can eliminate negative reactions and make for a more enjoyable holiday experience, Dr. Stratyner says.
Finally, Dr. Stratyner notes that putting the emphasis on enjoying one-another’s company and de-emphasizing the pressure to buy gifts goes a long way toward heightening the enjoyment of the holiday season. “Don’t focus on gifts or how much money to spend,” he insists. “If necessary, have a grab bag or select one person each for a gift.” Serving meals buffet-style takes the pressure off of the host. “When everyone brings something” it’s more of an egalitarian affair.
And, Dr. Stratyner concludes, take the focus off of hot-button issues like money, work, religion and politics. Instead, he suggests sharing more intimate stories with personal relevance. “Tell stories about favorite holiday moments over the years,” he says. And inject humor whenever appropriate. “It’s very important; it goes a long way.”
###
About Harris Stratyner Ph.D
Dr. Stratyner who has offices on the Upper East Side in Manhattan and in Yonkers in Westchester County is also a Clinical Associate Professor at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine. He is a contributing author to the PDR Guide to Pediatric & Adolescent Mental Health. Dr. Stratyner developed the technique “Carefrontation,” which is a treatment approach for addicted individuals and people with co-occurring disorders that advocates for treating every patient with respect and dignity–no shaming or blaming–but does hold people responsible for dealing with one’s own addiction or mental health condition. Dr. Stratyner hosts a radio program entitled “Here’s to Your Good Health” on WFAS AM 1230 in Westchester County, a program he developed and has hosted for 24 years. Dr. Stratyner was the first Ph.D. appointed Division Director of Chemical Dependency at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Cornell Westchester, and was also an Assistant Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry there, where he founded The Retreat at Westchester, a world-renowned addiction program
###
For advertising and promotion on HealthNewsDigest.com please contact Mike McCurdy: [email protected] or 877-634-9180
HealthNewsDigest.com is syndicated worldwide and has over 8,000 journalists as subscribers.