You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends, but
I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over –Gotye (Somebody that I use to love)
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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – I don’t know how many of you have seen the video of Gotye’s, “Somebody that I use to love,” but it is a therapy session within a song. The song is about a couple who couldn’t work it out, and the lies that were told to keep the relationship together. When you bring baggage from a previous relationship into a new one, most likely you are going to have a short new relationship. This sounds simple, and most of us would nod our head and agree this is true; however, many of us continually repeat this pattern and cannot figure out what went wrong. We may blame his mother or her sensitivity, but the truth hidden within the relationship is a lot of past baggage. Suggesting that people wait at least one year after a relationship ends to begin a new one is wise, but very seldom realistic. It’s difficult to wait when you feel worthless, lonely and unloved. Humans need other humans to validate themselves, and we use relationships to form those connections.
The problem isn’t always the memory of the ex themselves, but more so, how your love for the ex was mistreated. Most of the baggage centers on the inability to make the split when you needed to. In a sense you became addicted to your own sadness. It’s at this point the damage is deepened, because you tell yourself, “If I can just hold on a bit longer or keep my thoughts to myself, I can make this work.” Being in a relationship for many, even if it is bad for you, is far better than being alone. If it’s a marriage, this is the point where couples’ counseling usually begins, but if it’s a relationship without marriage, this is the point the couple splits. Without a true commitment, couples have less patience with trying to understand one another and what is happening and thus break up and move on. The problem is, moving on physically is very different than moving on emotionally and the physical moving is always easier than the emotional. If you date someone seriously over the age of thirty, you are dating more than the person in front of you. On average, each of us carries at least three significant relationships for each decade we have lived prior to marriage. That’s a lot of people and past you are dating when you fall in love with someone new.
I’m a relationship therapist, so I believe relationships are very important to each and every one of us. Therefore, I encourage people to become clear about their own past relationships that influence their present dating style. If you haven’t let go of your past, your future dates will be dating way too many people when they get together with you for a coffee or sandwich. Since they only see you while they are meeting, they are naïve to knowing who these other people are that left you feeling hurt, used and angry. If you act insanely when he doesn’t offer to pay the bill, he will say to himself, “She was crazy about money, and I don’t want to date someone like that.” She may say (due to her ex who controlled money and was cheap), “Oh No, I’m not dating another guy like my ex.” “He is cheap and controlling.” It doesn’t matter if you are the most generous guy around you were labeled as cheap due to HER past. In reality, she may not care about money at all, but she hasn’t resolved her past with her ex, so the first time HE demonstrates even a possible hint of being cheap, SHE will over react with assuming he is both cheap and controlling. The bottom line is, this will be a short date even if they were a great match.
Here are suggestions to help you not bring past people into your NEW relationship.
1. After a breakup, take a “break-down” for a year. A break down is taking time to reflect on your part of the relationship, what you learned, how you got burned, and what you could have done differently.
2. Don’t date during your year “break-down.” Instead, take up new hobbies, new exercises (I suggest Tae-Bo Kickboxing/boxing), or learn something new with classes.
3. Take good care of yourself. Start eating healthier, work on dressing better, and make yourself happy with the way you look. How we look really does affect our self-esteem.
4. On your first date, be clear about your part in your most recent relationship. Focus on telling the other person what you did wrong. The person across the table is dating you, not your ex. Your exes do not belong at the table…don’t bring them there.
5. Practice transparency. When you are transparent, there is less of a chance of this person being an ex.
Prior to my marriage I had an ex that was an inspiration to me. My husband embraced him, because he understood how my ex helped make me the woman he loved. If the ex inspired you, embracing him/her is wise for the new person. If that ex made you suffer, then you must let them go…and forgive yourself for your part of enabling the ex. –Mary Jo Rapini
For more information and MONTHLY FREE RELATIONSHIP TIP go to: MaryJoRapini
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http://houston.cbslocal.com/2011/07/06/dos-and-donts-after-the-breakup/
http://houston.cbslocal.com/2011/07/13/how-to-cope-after-infidelity/?utm_source=home&utm_medium=dl&utm_campaign=how-to-cope-after-infidelity
http://khmx.radio.com/shows/mary-jo-rapini/
Join me every Monday and Thursday Morning for “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” on Fox 26 Houston at 9 a.m
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