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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – Every kid grows up getting in trouble for lying. We all know honesty is important and everyone knows the hurt feeling of finding out they were lied to. However, new research has found new support for white lies in some social bonds. Not only can white lies help sometimes, they may help some friends stay friends longer and improve the quality of their relationships. Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist from Oxford University, has done research in the area of lying. She states that lying to cover up a misdeed or get your own way will deteriorate your relationship, because this type of lying is antisocial and it weakens bonds and causes mistrust. However, lies told to help another person or to protect their feelings tend to build stronger bonds and may be helpful to the relationship. This type of lying is called pro-social lying, and is equivalent to telling a fib or a white lie in order to preserve someone’s dignity or feelings.
Does this same theory apply to social media? Yes it does, according to Larry Rosen, a Psychologist at California State University, but lies on Facebook are different than the ones told to a person face-to-face. For example, the “like” button on Facebook is a form of lying. You see a photo of a baby you don’t think is cute, but you know the mom and she does. So you like the photo of the baby and say how cute the baby is even though you don’t believe that. You are lying because you care about the mom and you want her to be happy. This is called an empathetic lie. Virtual lies mimic reality lies. When your lies have good intentions, whether empathy or support, they can make your relationships better.
What does this mean for you and your partner? Should you lie when your wife asks you if she looks heavy in a particular outfit? Should you tell your hubby that what you bought was on sale even if it wasn’t? Are these hurtful lies? Do they help or hurt your relationships? In a nationwide relationship survey over 75% of people in a committed relationship admitted they lied on a regular basis. The majority of them said they lied in order to protect their partner and/or avoid confrontation. Lying becomes a habit rather than something used to deceive and therefore this is my advice for couples.
Since lying becomes a habit it is likely that the lies will begin to include significant issues that should be discussed.
If you know the areas you lie about specifically, such as spending too much, going out with friends, or working too much, then talk to your partner about making these issues less confrontational when talked about.
Lying is ultimately about an inability to communicate openly and honestly without feeling guilty or shamed. If you want honesty, then you must talk about how you will embrace the truth even if it’s not what you want to hear.
The liar will have to understand how to confront the issue they are lying about. That means facing the fears that keep you locked in the lie.
Transparency is best in all relationships, but I also understand the need for empathic lying at times depending on the situation. Chronic liars are not empathic liars. Chronic liars are insecure, and for the most part consumed with themselves and their ability to be liked. They lie to protect themselves and do not respect the feelings of others. These people are fragile inside and the truth not only frightens them, but also requires more ego strength than they possess. Chronic liars don’t make good relationship partners and they usually aren’t successful with marriage. -Mary Jo Rapini
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