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(HealthNewsDigest.com) – Years ago my family grappled with difficult decisions as my father’s dementia progressed and his health deteriorated. When my father got lost in familiar places, he had to stop driving. When my mother needed more help, we hired a home health aide. And when it became too much for Mom to handle, we moved Dad to a nursing home. At each step along the way we deliberated and agonized, but we were fortunate that Dad was agreeable and compliant. For many families that is just not the case.
The challenges faced by Martha, a mother of three in her mid-forties, may sound all too familiar. Between a full-time job, her kids’ busy schedules and a spouse who needed attention now and then, there was no room for an eldercare crisis. And then it happened. Martha’s eighty two year old mother fell and broke her hip. After weeks in rehab, Martha’s mother returned home-alone- to a house with stairs, a claw foot tub, and a bedroom on the second floor. To make matters worse, Mom stubbornly refused help. First she fired the home health aide. Then she stopped meals on wheels. When Mom refused to move in with Martha because she didn’t want to be “a bother”, Martha waited for the next shoe to drop. And it did. After Mom fell in the bathroom, Martha gave her an ultimatum. Accept help or go to a nursing home.
Martha’s frustrations are understandable. She wanted to do something-anything-to avert the next crisis. But threatening her mother with a nursing home was a last ditch effort that was doomed to fail.
So what can you do you when your parent refuses help?
1. Understand what’s behind the resistance
As people age and struggle with diminished eyesight, hearing and strength, they feel more vulnerable. Rejecting help may be a way of exerting control. Understanding a parent’s anxieties and fears may ease the struggle. Are they afraid of being a burden? Mistrustful of strangers? Or worried about the cost of care? If you approach resistance with empathy you may break down some walls.
2. Offer options
Ever notice when you give someone a choice rather than tell them what to do, you’re more likely to get a positive response? When introducing care, involve your parents as much as possible. If Dad needs a caregiver, include him in the hiring process. If you‘re concerned about driving, discuss alternative means of transportation. If Mom refuses to leave her home, look into the feasibility and costs of home modification. Put yourself in her shoes. Change is hard. But having a choice may make it more palatable.
3. Recruit outsiders
One of the golden rules of caregiving is don’t go it alone. If your parent rejects common sense suggestions you might need a Greek chorus to chime in. Mom might take advice from her doctor but not her daughter. She may let a neighbor take her food shopping but not a caregiver. Or the local senior center may have volunteers who can pitch in. If you are open to outside support, in time, your parent may be too.
4. Start small
Sometimes less is more. Pushing too much help all at once may increase anxiety and resistance. Try baby steps. Suggest a caregiver run errands and make meals a couple times a week. If that goes well, try adding more hours. Over time, a trusted companion may feel more like a gain and less like a burden.
5. Accept your limits
Caregivers such as Martha often overload their already full plates. Martha had a busy demanding life before her mom’s fall and then things got really tough. Pay attention to your stress, keep your guilt in check and recognize that you can’t be super-woman (or man). Accept that you have limits and know that there is only so much you can do. Our parents have the right to make their own decisions-even bad ones. But we love them anyway. And we can only do our best to get them the help they need-but don’t necessarily want.
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